A Joke

[Bill Henry]

It's been a bit quiet in here so I thought I'd break the silence:
*******

A farmer named Oliver was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Cornwall when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Oliver looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Nokia E-71 mobile phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'Blimey! Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Oliver.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then Oliver says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a member of the House of Commons', says Oliver.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.', answered the farmer. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows ... this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.’

**********

Originally, the joke was about a U. S. Congressman, but I'm thinking that it is probably appropriate for you guys, too.

[silvercleave]

but oh so rue

[Dermot]

I have just doctored it a bit for Ireland and have sent it on to a few people….

[Moglet]

I thought it originated as a brunette joke:

Brunette: Your sheep are so sweet.
Farmer: If you tell me how many are in the flock, you can pick one and keep it.
Brunette (counts sheep in paddock): 147.
Farmer: Correct! A deal's a deal. Take your pick of the flock.

Brunette takes pick and goes to walk off.

Farmer: Now, I've a proposition for you. If I tell you the real colour of your hair, can I have my dog back?

[prospero]

Sorry Bill. I have to pull you up on the last line. It's a flock of sheep.

Have you been at the peroxide again?

[Moglet]

Nah, Prospero. Probably just another of Bill's senior moments ...

[prospero]

What time does the cocoa come round?

[framejunkie]

Sorry Bill. I have to pull you up on the last line. It's a flock of sheep.

Herd of sheep? Of course I've herd of sheep

[Bill Henry]

Sorry Bill. I have to pull you up on the last line. It's a flock of sheep.

Well, flock you, pal, and the horse in on which you rode.

(Gotta speak precise English here, apparently.)

[prospero]

You certainly know how to handle your participles Bill.


That's what I herd anyway.

[CVRO]

There's a variation of the same joke but with an Economist:

Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away.

"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"

"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."

[CVRO]

But the best Economics jokes I've ever heard are:

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

and

A mathematician, a theoretical economist and an econometrician are asked to find a black cat (who doesn't really exist) in a closed room with the lights off:
- The mathematician gets crazy trying to find a black cat that doesn't exist inside the darkened room and ends up in a psychiatric hospital.
- The theoretical economist is unable to catch the black cat that doesn't exist inside the darkened room, but exits the room proudly proclaiming that he can construct a model to describe all his movements with extreme accuracy.
- The econometrician walks securely into the darkened room, spend one hour looking for the black cat that doesn't exits and shouts from inside the room that he has it catched by the neck."

These two jokes pretty much explain why the economy is in such bad shape!

[gesso]

A farmer named Oliver was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Cornwall when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him

Knew this couldnt have been a Cornish joke.
When was the last time we had enough sun to make a dust cloud?

[prospero]

Another yuppie in brand new BMW, etc, is speeding down a country lane. Sun shining, top down, no traffic so he gives it the boot.... He is doing about 90 when he rounds a corner and sees before him a flock of sheep coming out of a gate into the road. No way can he pull up in time so he yanks the wheel round and bumps across the grass verge, over the ditch, though the hedge and into the field. Struggling to control the car he careers over the grass, tearing up great chunks of turf and sliding about over over the place. He speeds past the gate where the sheep came out and slams though the hedge on the other side, back on the road and carries on his way. "Phew!", he thinks. "That was close".
Two farmhands were driving the flock. One turns to his mate and says, "Did yer see that? Blimey, that wus a piece o luck. We ony just got them yows out the field in time".

[Moglet]

...them yows ...

I see we're familiar with the north North Kerry dialect!

[Moglet]

Q: Why do bank CEO's never look out the window in the morning?

A: If they did, they'd have nothing to do for the afternoon.

[fineedge]

Got this in an e-mail today and not holding British citizenship, thought I wouldn't be treading on thin ice.

A Wee Scottish Tale

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

A Gamekeeper shouts, "Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's fu' ae coo's shite an pish!"

The man replies, "My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English for me."

The keeper replies, "I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!!!"

[jay]

Alan
As a Scot, it did make me giggle.
Jay

[Peter the framer]

Two friends meet each other on the street.

"Hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill.

"Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery.

I just buried my mother-in-law" replied Sid.

"I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face scratched all over?".

"It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"

[Not your average framer]

In a pre-match meeting the manager of a top football team gets together with his players, to discuss tactics and plans for the coming match. To his horror, his star player a recent multi-million pound signing announces that he has a bad leg and won't be able to play unless he can have a cortizone injection.

Before he can answer, another player recently signed at great expense from a foreign club, (who has a limited command of the english language), announces that "If he's having one, I won't be playing unless I get a new car too!"