Something for the weekend?
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Spit
- Posts: 1102
- Joined: Fri 17 Mar, 2006 8:54 pm
- Location: Glandwr
- Organisation: Framing Mad
- Interests: Framing, watercolours & CCFC
- Location: Pembrokeshire
- Contact:
On a golf tour in Wales, Tiger Woods drives his shiny new BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Welsh countryside.
The pump attendant, an ungrateful Welsh-domiciled blow-in who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical friendly Welsh manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Bore da, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are they?", asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are they for?" inquires the Welshman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"That's amazing", says the Welshman, "BMW thinks of everything!"
The pump attendant, an ungrateful Welsh-domiciled blow-in who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical friendly Welsh manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Bore da, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are they?", asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are they for?" inquires the Welshman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"That's amazing", says the Welshman, "BMW thinks of everything!"
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Roboframer
Paddy & Murphy want to see The Pope in the flesh, so they pitch a tent ouside the Vatican.
They've been there a week - the only movement they see is the milkman delivering a few crates at the Vatican doors each morning and a novice taking them in.
Paddy & Murphy run out of food and money to buy more, but hang on for two more days. One morning, hungry and thirsty, Paddy decides to borrow a few pints of milk - on a permanent basis - before the novice comes to take the crates in.
"Beejezuz" says Murphy "You can't steal from the pope!"
After some discussion Paddy decides to go ahead - after all, this could be the day that the Pope emerges - so off he sneaks towards the Vatican doors, and the milk crates - Murphy watching from between his fingers.
All Murphy sees is Paddy lifting two pints, the Vatican doors opening and THE POPE HIMSELF emerging from the doors. The Pope makes the sign of the cross, Paddy puts the milk down and shuffles back to the tent.
"Oh Paddy" says Murphy "Dat made da whole trip wortwhoil - wat a man - catches yer good self steelin' his milk an' blesses you"
"No" says Paddy - "He didn't bless me - he said ................
(make the sign off the cross in front of yourself as you say this next bit - this is a visual joke)
................ he said "Put the milk down and Feck Arff!"
They've been there a week - the only movement they see is the milkman delivering a few crates at the Vatican doors each morning and a novice taking them in.
Paddy & Murphy run out of food and money to buy more, but hang on for two more days. One morning, hungry and thirsty, Paddy decides to borrow a few pints of milk - on a permanent basis - before the novice comes to take the crates in.
"Beejezuz" says Murphy "You can't steal from the pope!"
After some discussion Paddy decides to go ahead - after all, this could be the day that the Pope emerges - so off he sneaks towards the Vatican doors, and the milk crates - Murphy watching from between his fingers.
All Murphy sees is Paddy lifting two pints, the Vatican doors opening and THE POPE HIMSELF emerging from the doors. The Pope makes the sign of the cross, Paddy puts the milk down and shuffles back to the tent.
"Oh Paddy" says Murphy "Dat made da whole trip wortwhoil - wat a man - catches yer good self steelin' his milk an' blesses you"
"No" says Paddy - "He didn't bless me - he said ................
(make the sign off the cross in front of yourself as you say this next bit - this is a visual joke)
................ he said "Put the milk down and Feck Arff!"
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prospero
- Posts: 11694
- Joined: Tue 05 Jun, 2007 4:16 pm
- Location: Lincolnshire
It's freezing cold day. A man goes for a pint at his local. Outside the pub is a nun with a collecting tin. He gives her 50p and notices that she is shivering with the cold.
"Excuse me for saying this Sister", he says, but should you you be standing out here in this wheather? You must be frozen".
"Thank you for your concern", say's the nun, "But I am about the Lord's work".
"I'm sure you are", replies the man, "but you are only flesh and blood. Why don't you pop inside and have a nip of brandy"?
"Oh I couldn't possibly do that". says the nun.
"No, maybe it would look bad", says the man. "I tell you what. I will go in the pub and bring you one out".
"Ah well, that would be alright I suppose", says the nun. "But can you ask for it in a cup?" "It would look better".
"Sure", says the man.
He walks inside and up to the bar.
"Good evening landlord", he says. "Can I have a large brandy and could you please put it in a cup?"
"Ah! I see. In a cup eh", says the landlord.
"Don't tell me that bloody nun is still out there?"
"Excuse me for saying this Sister", he says, but should you you be standing out here in this wheather? You must be frozen".
"Thank you for your concern", say's the nun, "But I am about the Lord's work".
"I'm sure you are", replies the man, "but you are only flesh and blood. Why don't you pop inside and have a nip of brandy"?
"Oh I couldn't possibly do that". says the nun.
"No, maybe it would look bad", says the man. "I tell you what. I will go in the pub and bring you one out".
"Ah well, that would be alright I suppose", says the nun. "But can you ask for it in a cup?" "It would look better".
"Sure", says the man.
He walks inside and up to the bar.
"Good evening landlord", he says. "Can I have a large brandy and could you please put it in a cup?"
"Ah! I see. In a cup eh", says the landlord.
"Don't tell me that bloody nun is still out there?"