Ok, so it's Friday afternoon again
Rules for posting –
1 Joke per person
1 Joke per week
Only post jokes on a Friday afternoon / evening.
and this is the best joke I have heard all week.
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees'!
'What powerful rivers'!
'What beautiful animals'!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent .
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don'texist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very Well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
Who's Next?
Somthing for the Weekend Pt 2
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iantheframer
- Posts: 236
- Joined: Mon 21 Jan, 2008 2:59 pm
- Location: central portugal
- Organisation: is not my greatest talent!
- Interests: photography
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.
They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his
apartment.
She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the
bedroom,
with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.
but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,
after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion
builds,
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.
They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his
apartment.
She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the
bedroom,
with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.
but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,
after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion
builds,
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
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prospero
- Posts: 11697
- Joined: Tue 05 Jun, 2007 4:16 pm
- Location: Lincolnshire
RDRRR. 
The bishop of St.Pancras dies and goes up to heaven.
He strides in though the pearly gates in a very self-important manner, all dressed up in his best robes. He looks around for somewhere to sit down.
There are a few vacant chairs, but they are all very old with wobbly legs and bits missing. "Hmmmm", he thinks. "These chairs are not really appropriate for a person of my importance". He walks on a bit further....
Eventually he sees an enormous throne, brightly gilded and resplendant with countless jewels and covered in big squashy velvet cushions.
"That's more like it", thinks the bish. "Much more in keeping with my considerable dignity".
However, as he approachs the throne, he see's that it is already occupied by a little wizened old man, all dressed in smelly rags and with a straggly beard down to his waist.
"This will not do at all!" the bishop thinks and walks up to the scruffy man and says in a superior voice: "I say my man!". "I think this throne is rather more in keeping with someone of my stature". "I would be grateful if you would vacate it immediately!"
The little man looks up slowly. "And who might you be? he says.
"Now see here!" says the bishop. "I don't care for that impudent tone. I have you know that I am the Bishop of St. Prancas!"
He old man looks the bishop up and down and replies, "Oh yes? Well I am St Prancas so you can sod off".
The bishop of St.Pancras dies and goes up to heaven.
He strides in though the pearly gates in a very self-important manner, all dressed up in his best robes. He looks around for somewhere to sit down.
There are a few vacant chairs, but they are all very old with wobbly legs and bits missing. "Hmmmm", he thinks. "These chairs are not really appropriate for a person of my importance". He walks on a bit further....
Eventually he sees an enormous throne, brightly gilded and resplendant with countless jewels and covered in big squashy velvet cushions.
"That's more like it", thinks the bish. "Much more in keeping with my considerable dignity".
However, as he approachs the throne, he see's that it is already occupied by a little wizened old man, all dressed in smelly rags and with a straggly beard down to his waist.
"This will not do at all!" the bishop thinks and walks up to the scruffy man and says in a superior voice: "I say my man!". "I think this throne is rather more in keeping with someone of my stature". "I would be grateful if you would vacate it immediately!"
The little man looks up slowly. "And who might you be? he says.
"Now see here!" says the bishop. "I don't care for that impudent tone. I have you know that I am the Bishop of St. Prancas!"
He old man looks the bishop up and down and replies, "Oh yes? Well I am St Prancas so you can sod off".
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iantheframer
- Posts: 236
- Joined: Mon 21 Jan, 2008 2:59 pm
- Location: central portugal
- Organisation: is not my greatest talent!
- Interests: photography
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Spit
- Posts: 1102
- Joined: Fri 17 Mar, 2006 8:54 pm
- Location: Glandwr
- Organisation: Framing Mad
- Interests: Framing, watercolours & CCFC
- Location: Pembrokeshire
- Contact:
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Spit
- Posts: 1102
- Joined: Fri 17 Mar, 2006 8:54 pm
- Location: Glandwr
- Organisation: Framing Mad
- Interests: Framing, watercolours & CCFC
- Location: Pembrokeshire
- Contact:
-
Bill Henry
- Posts: 935
- Joined: Wed 28 Mar, 2007 8:38 pm
- Location: Litchfield, NH USA
- Organisation: Not so much - it's kind of messy.
- Interests: Dry mounting dog hair, counting age spots on old people, playing chess with wood elves, scheming to take over the world.
- Location: Litchfield, NH USA
- Contact:
I was driving down a lonely New Hampshire country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain. Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattlesnakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades, and they worked just fine.
They were, of course, wind-chilled vipers.
They were, of course, wind-chilled vipers.
Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent! – Porky Pine
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Ricky
- Posts: 530
- Joined: Wed 31 May, 2006 10:09 pm
- Location: 6b Galgate Barnard Castle DL12 8 BG
- Organisation: Barnard Castle Framers.
- Interests: Art, Photography,Ceramics,
Restoration.Horses. - Contact:
GRANDMA IN COURT
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and
asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.
Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney almost died, The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you
f*cking idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric
chair.
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and
asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.
Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney almost died, The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you
f*cking idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric
chair.