Jokes

Roboframer · Post by **Roboframer** » Sat 15 Mar, 2008 10:21 pm

Elderly Yorkshire couple, the wife dies from a wasting condition.

They had never discussed epitaphs, so the widower went to the stonemason to see if he had any suggestions.

"She was deeply religious and very proud of her Yorkshire roots" He said.

The stonemason thought for a while and said - "Ow's abaaht 'She were thine"?

"Oh" said the widower - "That would be reet grand that - sums it all up in just three words - go 'ed lad"

The day the stone was put in place the old man went to view it, and to his dismay it read "She were thin"

So he went and told the stonemason "You've missed aht 'E' lad - it says 'she were thin'

The stonemason flips through his order book "Bah gum, t'new apprentice did it, good wi' t'ands but not too bright, like - I'll go dahn cemetry and put t' 'E' in mesen - nowt too it - you just go back tomorro' and it'll be reet"

Next day the old guy goes down the cemetery and there it was ......

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee she were thin"

Moglet · Post by **Moglet** » Sat 15 Mar, 2008 10:40 pm

In keeping with the graveyard motif, here's a little black humour from Mr Bowie.

Roboframer · Post by **Roboframer** » Sat 15 Mar, 2008 11:28 pm

A widow goes to the funeral parlour for the final viewing of her dearly beloved husband.

"Oh" she sniffed - "He looks so peaceful - and I think he'd be happy to go in that old gardening jumper full of holes ... and those wellies. But he's got a lovely blue suit - only wore it once, for our Golden Weddding party - (sigh) I'd've loved him to go in that ...."

"Well" Said the undertaker "As it happens there is a gentleman about your husband's build just about to be buried - the final viewing has been done - he was a businessman and is dressed in a very nice blue suit - if you like we could ......"

"Oh - no!" said the widow - "That wouldn't be right - but I'd really like to see him in a suit again"

"No-one would know" said the undertaker

"Oh - oh - go on then" said the widow.

So, she takes a seat outside - 5 minutes later the undertaker is back "In you come"

There is her husband looking immaculate - the widow gave a sigh "Aaaah - doesn't he look distinguished now - but how did you change the clothes over so quickly"

The undertaker smiled, winked and said ......

"We didn't - we just swapped the heads over"

Moglet · Post by **Moglet** » Sat 15 Mar, 2008 11:30 pm

Totally grossed-out here..,... yuk!!

kaptain.kopter · Post by **kaptain.kopter** » Tue 18 Mar, 2008 8:29 am

Just for Merlin:

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement, a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a grizzly, old, long-in-the-tooth Sea King pilot who,when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my willy to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old boy insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed him to 'drop 'em,' which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of his willy and began to work back. 'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The old boy calmly replied 'The Falklands'.

Spit · Post by **Spit** » Tue 18 Mar, 2008 10:50 pm

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weawy givths a thit."

Spit · Post by **Spit** » Tue 18 Mar, 2008 11:06 pm

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to p*** off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the first bat, "because I f******g didn't!"

Moglet · Post by **Moglet** » Tue 18 Mar, 2008 11:58 pm

Heard the Falklands one before, but stands the retelling well, as all witty jokes do!

Love the vampire story!

Spit · Post by **Spit** » Wed 19 Mar, 2008 12:14 am

A US Army soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter.
"I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn't go too well", he sighed.
"What happened?", his buddy asked.
"Well, we got over the jump zone, the green light came on and we all hooked up to the jump line. We shuffled to the door and when it was my turn, I just froze. I couldn't jump."
"What happened then?", his buddy asked, concerned.
"Well the jump sargeant started yelling at me. He said, Boy, if you don't jump right now, I'm going to shove my fist up your ass!"
"Did you jump?"
"Well, a little at first"

Mary Case GCF · Post by **Mary Case GCF** » Thu 20 Mar, 2008 12:48 am

This one is courtesy of Terry Wogan.

Old guy goes to the doctor. "Doctor, can you help me. I need you to lower my sex drive. " The doctor says, "You're 97. Your sex drive is all in your head". The old guy says "Exactly! Now can you lower it?"

Post by **prospero** » Thu 20 Mar, 2008 11:07 am

haha.

Another old bloke goes to the Doctor.....

'I've got a new wife", he says "And there is a bit of an age difference, so I am a bit worried about fullfilling my marital duties".

"I'll give you some extra strong vitamin pills", says the Doctor. "How old is your wife by the way?".

"She's nineteen", says the old man.

"Well", says the Doctor. "Those vitamin pills might not do the trick and there is really nothing more I can do, but if you'll take some friendly advice I would seroiusly consider getting a young lodger".

A few weeks pass and the old bloke visits the Doctor again....

"How's that young wife of yours?", asks the Doctor. "Is she happy?"

"Oh yes!", replies the old bloke. "In fact she is pregnant".

"Congratulations!", says the Doctor. "Did you take my advice about the lodger?"

"Yes Doctor", says the old bloke. "And she's pregnant as well".

Moglet · Post by **Moglet** » Thu 20 Mar, 2008 7:08 pm

And there was me thinking Robo was incorrigible!

Roboframer · Post by **Roboframer** » Thu 20 Mar, 2008 8:31 pm

An old Falklands joke.

Guardsman Dai Thomas - 1st Battalion Welsh Guards (who of course were there) - is on sentry duty in his trench - sees a figure approach through the mist.

"Halt!" says Dai - The figure keeps coming.

"HALT!" Says Dai again, but louder - The figure keeps coming and now Dai can see it is carrying a rifle.

"HALT - OR I WILL FIRE" shouts Dai - taking aim. The figure keeps advancing.

"BANG!" Dai fires - the figure goes down. Dai rushes over - turns the mortally wounded figure over only to find it is his best mate - Will - come to relieve him.

"WILL - oh Will - why the hell didn't you stop when I shouted halt?"

"Because" Will muttered, falteringly "You gave it on the wrong foot!"

Roboframer · Post by **Roboframer** » Thu 20 Mar, 2008 11:51 pm

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Hong Kong and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Chinese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly cheesed off that this little guy doesn't seem to
appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it."

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing .....

......." A jazz chord, to say, I ruv you..."

Post by **prospero** » Fri 21 Mar, 2008 2:35 am

Moglet wrote:And there was me thinking Robo was incorrigible!

I don't need much incorrigment.

tightmitre · Post by **tightmitre** » Mon 31 Mar, 2008 6:59 pm

Mr. Brown is in intensive care recovering from surgery and being given oxygen through a mask.

After a couple of days a young junior nurse arrives to give him a sponge bath to help him freshen up.

As she starts the bathing, Mr Brown asks, " Nurse, will you check to see if my testicles are black"

A little embarassed she replied, " Mr Brown, I'm only here to give you a sponge bath"

Mr. Brown asked again, "Please nurse, just check to see if my testicles are black"

A little sheepishly she agreed and lifted back the covers. Taking the old man's manhood in one hand and cupping his testicles in the other she declared, "Mr Brown, your testicles are fine" and replaced the covers.

Mr. Brown smiled and removed the oxygen mask. "Nurse, that was lovely but please listen carefully, are my test results back?"

SteveG · Post by **SteveG** » Tue 01 Apr, 2008 9:40 am

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was
determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she
placed an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around
the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said 'You have done a really good job,
and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He
returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.'

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the
floor.

Then she looked at him and said: 'If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you'll be fired!'

michelle · Post by **michelle** » Tue 01 Apr, 2008 10:01 am

Thanks for all the jokes. What a chuckle, just the distraction I needed rather than going to tackle a tricky job. But i can put it off no more.
but before I go......

Two fish swimming around. One says to the other
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"

sorry not up to the standard of the previous jokes but sometimes simple is good, brings out the child in us all.
keep the jokes coming.

Roboframer · Post by **Roboframer** » Tue 01 Apr, 2008 2:08 pm

Michelle, you forgot to say 'tank' - two fish in a tank!

Post by **prospero** » Tue 01 Apr, 2008 2:50 pm

a man has a pet duck. He is absolutely devoted to it. Takes it everywhere with him.
One day he thinks he will go to the pictures, but they won't let him in with the duck. So he goes home and puts on his raincoat and goes back to the cinema with the duck tucked underneath. He ends up sitting next to two old ladies, Doris and Ethel.
When the film starts the duck decides he would like to watch it and keeps sticking his head out from under the man's coat for a look.
One old lady nudges her friend and says, "Ooooh! Doris. there is one of those funny fellas sitting next to me. He keeps waving his thingy about."
"Oh just ingore him Ethel. You have seen one before", replies Doris.
"Not like this one", says Ethel. "It keeps eating my popcorn".