Jokes

Post by **prospero** » Thu 10 Apr, 2008 4:03 pm

Two 'young executives', Roger and Henry, are in a in a wine bar. They are having a quiet drink and swapping a few stories. Suddenly Roger hears a beeping noise and Henry puts his hand to the side of his face and starts talking. When he is finished talking he sees his friend looking puzzled and says, "Oh. Haven't you heard of these new mobiles? I was in Tokyo at a conference and everybody has them over there. You have them surgically implanted so you never loose them". Roger is very impressed and thinks "I must get one of those". Suddenly he notices Henry looking slightly ill at ease. His face has gone all red and he is starting to sweat profusely. "Are you alright?", he asks Henry. "You don't look at all well".
"It's alright", gasps Henry though gritted teeth. "Just a fax coming though".

Moglet · Post by **Moglet** » Thu 10 Apr, 2008 4:40 pm

I swear to you that it wasn't me that asked Bill.

Post by **John** » Fri 18 Apr, 2008 5:51 am

I have recently been reminded of this one.

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Once there was a little old lady who called the cops because her neighbor across the way could be seen through his open window and "he is NAKED!"

So an officer dutifully responded, looked out the lady's window and indeed the window was open -- and the neighbor seemed to be naked.

-- "But ma'am," said the cop, "Although this man might be naked -- you can only see him from the waist up."

-- "Humph", the biddy humphed, "STAND ON THE BED! STAND ON THE BED!
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SteveG · Post by **SteveG** » Mon 21 Apr, 2008 12:59 am

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall madly in love and get married. Ceremony was terrible. Reception was brilliant!

SteveG · Post by **SteveG** » Mon 21 Apr, 2008 1:02 am

Bloke goes to the Doc, says " Doc, I've got a strawberry growing out of my head, what can you do?"
"Here" says the Doc "Put some of this cream on it."

SteveG · Post by **SteveG** » Mon 21 Apr, 2008 1:06 am

I was in the pub the other night when a man rushed in screaming "Steve, there's six blokes outside beating your Mother in law up!"
I looked outside and said "Oh so there is" and went back to my pint.
The bloke said "Aren't you going to help?"
I said "Nahh, six should be enough."

Roboframer · Post by **Roboframer** » Mon 21 Apr, 2008 9:22 pm

SteveG wrote: The bloke said "Aren't you going to help?"
I said "Nahh, six should be enough."

You're 'avin' a laff - one glance from mine would turn the lot to stone!

(One from Les Dawson .......... 'My Mother in Law is so ugly ...... when she walks in the house, all the mice fling 'emselves on to the mousetraps')

Post by **prospero** » Tue 22 Apr, 2008 9:52 am

Mouse goes into a Music Shop.

"I would like a mouse organ please", says he.

Shopkeeper says, "That's funny. You are the second mouse I have had in here today asking for a mouse organ".

"Oh yes. That would be our Monica" replies the mouse.

Mary Case GCF · Post by **Mary Case GCF** » Tue 22 Apr, 2008 4:57 pm

Glesga keelie goes into a baker's shop. Points at the display and says "is that a doughnut or a meringue?. The young lady behind the counter says " Naw, ye're no wrang, it's a doughnut"

Roboframer · Post by **Roboframer** » Tue 22 Apr, 2008 5:41 pm

McChortle.

Post by **prospero** » Tue 22 Apr, 2008 6:23 pm

Man turns up at a fancy-dress party. He is dressed in normal clothes but is carrying a girl on his back.

Guy on the door won't let him in. "You can't come in unless you are in fancy-dress." he says.

"But I'm a snail", replies the man.

"You don't look anything like a snail", says the doorman. "And what's that girl doing on your back may I ask?"

"That's Michelle", says the man.

Moglet · Post by **Moglet** » Tue 22 Apr, 2008 6:44 pm

Roboframer wrote:McChortle.

Would you like fries with that?

osgood · Post by **osgood** » Tue 22 Apr, 2008 8:10 pm

Mary Case GCF wrote:Glesga keelie goes into a baker's shop. Points at the display and says "is that a doughnut or a meringue?. The young lady behind the counter says " Naw, ye're no wrang, it's a doughnut"

Mary,
I don't get it! I don't speak Scottish. Is that why?

Mary Case GCF · Post by **Mary Case GCF** » Tue 22 Apr, 2008 8:10 pm

What do you call a man with a spade on his head? - Doug

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? - Cliff

What do you call a woman wearing curtains on her head? - Annette.

Anymore for anymore?

Mary Case GCF · Post by **Mary Case GCF** » Tue 22 Apr, 2008 8:15 pm

osgood wrote: Mary,
I don't get it! I don't speak Scottish. Is that why?

Possibly, Ormond . Am ah wrang ( a meringue) means "am I wrong". Glesga keelie is a working class man from Glasgow . Git it noo?

osgood · Post by **osgood** » Tue 22 Apr, 2008 8:20 pm

Och aye the noo, Mary........whatever that means.

Yes I get it now. Does that qualify me as being Scottish now or would I have to get bagpipes and a kilt and a bottle of Johnny Walker?

Mary Case GCF · Post by **Mary Case GCF** » Tue 22 Apr, 2008 8:25 pm

Bagpipes and kilt might do it, but you need a good malt whisky, not that Johnny Walker rubbish!! Incidentally what's worn under the kilt? Nothing. It's all in perfectly good working order.

Moglet · Post by **Moglet** » Tue 22 Apr, 2008 8:35 pm

Definition of Hope?

An elephant hanging off a cliff with its tail attached to a daisy.

Definition of Despair?

An old lady standing outside a public privvy clutching a bent penny.

Bill Henry · Post by **Bill Henry** » Tue 22 Apr, 2008 8:59 pm

What do you call a quadriplegic in a swimming pool? – Bob

What do you call a guy whose legs are worn down to his patellae? – Neal

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? – Aileen

Sorry, I feel particularly cruel today.

Moglet · Post by **Moglet** » Tue 22 Apr, 2008 9:05 pm

Mary Case GCF wrote:...you need a good malt whisky...

That'll be Laphraoig or Lagavulin for me, pretty please!

What do you call a limbless man in a pile of leaves? - Russell