Jokes

Roboframer · Post by **Roboframer** » Tue 22 Apr, 2008 9:20 pm

You didn't want to start me off on the "what do you call a guy/woman" ones Bill.

What do you call a guy with a log on his head? - Edward.

With 2 logs? - Edward Wood

3 logs? - Edward Woodward

4 logs? - Well, I wouldn't know, but Edward Woodward would.

Guy, in a cemetary wearing 6 raincoats? Max Bygraves.

Woman, standing on her head, drinking a pint of guiness whilst making a 147 snooker break? Beatrix Potter.

4 guys in a boat with no paddles? The Drifters.

Woman with a sheep on her head? Baaaaa bara

Guy with a fish hook in his lip? Rod

Girl with a slate on her head? Ruth.

Guy with a seagull on his head? Cliff.

Guy with a licence plate on his head? Reg

Same guy but dead? X Reg

But he's your brother? R Reg

Guy murdered and only identified by 4 body parts? Tony Hancock

A Judge with no thumbs? Justice Fingers.

That'll do for now.

Mary Case GCF · Post by **Mary Case GCF** » Tue 22 Apr, 2008 9:25 pm

I admit defeat. You know more of these than I do. Signs of a misspent youth, perhaps?

fineedge · Post by **fineedge** » Tue 22 Apr, 2008 9:37 pm

limbless man at your front door?......Mat

Post by **prospero** » Tue 22 Apr, 2008 10:10 pm

I see we have got back to primary school.

Whatd'ya call a camel with three humps?

Humphrey.

Where did Julius Caesar keep his armies?

Up his sleevies.

How do you keep a bunch of idiots in suspense?

Tell ya tomorow.

osgood · Post by **osgood** » Tue 22 Apr, 2008 10:11 pm

Mary Case GCF wrote:Incidentally what's worn under the kilt? Nothing. It's all in perfectly good working order.

You speak for yourself!

PS. As I'm a non-drinker, JW is the only brand I could think of. I have tasted whisky and I think it's vile tasting stuff! I'm very happy that others who like it can consume it though!

Spit · Post by **Spit** » Tue 22 Apr, 2008 10:20 pm

prospero wrote:I see we have got back to primary school.

What do you get when you cross a cow & a duck? Cream Quackers.

Spit · Post by **Spit** » Tue 22 Apr, 2008 10:22 pm

osgood wrote:PS. As I'm a non-drinker, JW is the only brand I could think of. I have tasted whisky and I think it's vile tasting stuff! I'm very happy that others who like it can consume it though!

Once you get through half a bottle you don't notice the taste.

Roboframer · Post by **Roboframer** » Tue 22 Apr, 2008 10:23 pm

Spit wrote:
What do you get when you cross a cow & a duck?

Arrested!

Or a well 'ard mallard

Or a bigger pond

Or - wait for it - an udder duck!

Roboframer · Post by **Roboframer** » Tue 22 Apr, 2008 10:24 pm

The Walrus and the Carpenter
were walking hand in hand
'If only' said the Walrus
'The law could understand'

Moglet · Post by **Moglet** » Tue 22 Apr, 2008 11:25 pm

What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?

Udder destruction!

Post by **prospero** » Tue 22 Apr, 2008 11:52 pm

Moglet wrote:What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?

Udder destruction!

Isn't it time your nose was under the duvet sweetie?

Skool in the morning.

"Doctor, Doctor! Why do people keep ignoring me!"

"Next!"

Moglet · Post by **Moglet** » Wed 23 Apr, 2008 12:00 am

prospero wrote:Isn't it time your nose was under the duvet sweetie?

How long do you know me?

Post by **prospero** » Wed 23 Apr, 2008 12:17 am

Oh sorry.

Isn't it time you were dangling upside-down in the attic with your wings folded?

Gulp. Wheres me tin hat.

Moglet · Post by **Moglet** » Wed 23 Apr, 2008 12:18 am

That's more like it!

Post by **prospero** » Wed 23 Apr, 2008 2:00 pm

Roboframer wrote: - an udder duck!

.....I just got that.

Priceless.

Must work by delayed action.

daviddeer · Post by **daviddeer** » Wed 23 Apr, 2008 4:04 pm

[/quote]Mary,I don't get it! I don't speak Scottish. Is that why?[/quote]
Try this then.
Imagine a cold winter in the Lowlands in 1938 and the shops are so cold they have to light braziers to keep the customers warm.
See the old lady enter the shop and examine the Bacon counter.
The shop assistant is standing next to the hot brazier when the old lady says to him, "is that yer Ayrshire bacon?", " no Madam" he replies, "Jes ma hands"

Now an Australian Joke:
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.

"One Australian SAS soldier is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One Australian SAS soldier is better than one hundred Taliban".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The Australian voice calls out again "One Australian SAS soldier is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap, ...there's actually two of them."

Post by **prospero** » Wed 23 Apr, 2008 4:15 pm

Man goes into a chemists shop and asks for deodourant.

"Ball or aerosol?", enquires the assistant.

The man, slightly embarassed, replies,

"Well it's for under my arms actually"

daviddeer · Post by **daviddeer** » Wed 23 Apr, 2008 4:22 pm

Two kangaroo shooters are way out the back of Bourke when their ute breaks down. They do the right thing and stay with it but no one comes along. So they decide to walk out with the temperature being 40 degrees Celsius plus.

After 2 days, they?re on their last drop of radiator water when they climb a rise and find, nailed to a tree, a sign saying MERCY, POPULATION 12. In the distance there's a collection of ramshackle tin huts. They arrive and identify one hut as a caf?. They enter.

A lady appears, very proper. "Yis", she says.

"Bring us a drink, luv. Make it long and quick."

"We only serve one thing here."

"What?s that?"

"Koala tea."

"Well, bring it luv, only make it quick!"

She brings it, and she is not kidding. Pathetic little paws grip the edge of the billy and little furry ears poke through the murky surface. Well, kangaroo shooters are pretty tough but they?re not this tough. They look at each other and beg the woman to "take it away please, and strain it."

"What?" she says, (now wait for it)......
......
.....
...
..........
.

....

"The Koala Tea of Mercy is not strained."

Post by **prospero** » Wed 23 Apr, 2008 5:52 pm

l

Another perfectly good chair ruined......