A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,
"I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, but I have a very rare medical condition:
Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded. "Pepper."
Jokes
-
Spit
- Posts: 1102
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- Interests: Framing, watercolours & CCFC
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- Contact:
-
osgood
-
pictureframingpro
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Wed 09 Apr, 2008 4:32 am
- Location: Washington State USA
Puns anyone?
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2 Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, " I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2 Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, " I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
-
John
- Site Admin
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Hi pictureframingpro, welcome to the forum.
Excellent first post.
6 and 7 had me laughing out loud.
Excellent first post.
6 and 7 had me laughing out loud.
HOW Much!?
EstLite Picture Framing Software
EstLite Picture Framing Software
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Bill Henry
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- Location: Litchfield, NH USA
- Contact:
There was a cattle rancher who, after three years, finally found a buyer for his oldest bull, Caesar. The new owner happened to be the rancher's closest neighbor who lived on the other side of the valley across a river which separated their properties.
"Men," the rancher said to his cowhands, "It's time to say our good-byes to this bull and take him to our neighbor". The men roped Caesar, and started leading him down the valley.
They were about to put him on the boat to take him across the river, when the rancher's youngest son, who raised Caesar from a calf, said, with a tear in his eye, "Can we take him out for one last meal in his favorite meadow?"
The hands agreed and led him to the pasture for a snack. With the day sunny and warm, the hands became drowsy and decided to take a quick nap. Four hours later, the rancher saw that the bull was still on his property and ran down into the valley.
He shouted at the men to wake up and screamed that the beast should have been across the river long ago. "We've come to ferry Caesar, not to graze him!"
"Men," the rancher said to his cowhands, "It's time to say our good-byes to this bull and take him to our neighbor". The men roped Caesar, and started leading him down the valley.
They were about to put him on the boat to take him across the river, when the rancher's youngest son, who raised Caesar from a calf, said, with a tear in his eye, "Can we take him out for one last meal in his favorite meadow?"
The hands agreed and led him to the pasture for a snack. With the day sunny and warm, the hands became drowsy and decided to take a quick nap. Four hours later, the rancher saw that the bull was still on his property and ran down into the valley.
He shouted at the men to wake up and screamed that the beast should have been across the river long ago. "We've come to ferry Caesar, not to graze him!"
Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent! – Porky Pine
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Moglet
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- Contact:
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Moglet
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pictureframingpro
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Wed 09 Apr, 2008 4:32 am
- Location: Washington State USA
Thank you for the warm welcomes! I love jokes:) Here is another one. warning: it is kinda long!
A Texas Chili Cook-Off
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no
hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as
relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
Antonio City Park
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be
selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
jud ge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when
the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and
became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of ch ildren. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
****-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.
woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind
me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how
he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
P.S. I don't know if this site has filters..... I am so hoping that I got all the colorful words out of it. Had to cut/paste it!
A Texas Chili Cook-Off
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no
hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as
relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
Antonio City Park
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be
selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
jud ge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when
the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and
became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of ch ildren. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
****-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.
woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind
me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how
he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
P.S. I don't know if this site has filters..... I am so hoping that I got all the colorful words out of it. Had to cut/paste it!
-
Spit
- Posts: 1102
- Joined: Fri 17 Mar, 2006 8:54 pm
- Location: Glandwr
- Organisation: Framing Mad
- Interests: Framing, watercolours & CCFC
- Location: Pembrokeshire
- Contact:
One winter morning a couple is listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, 'We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. We are asking everyone to park their car on the even-numbered side of the street, so there is room for the snowploughs to get through.'
The wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. Today you must park your car on the odd-number ed side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.'
The wife goes out and moves her car to the odd- numbered side.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ..........' Then the power goes out.
The wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says,’ Honey, I don't know what to do! Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through today?'
With the love and understanding in his voice, that all married men exhibit, the husband says, 'Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?'
The wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. Today you must park your car on the odd-number ed side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.'
The wife goes out and moves her car to the odd- numbered side.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ..........' Then the power goes out.
The wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says,’ Honey, I don't know what to do! Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through today?'
With the love and understanding in his voice, that all married men exhibit, the husband says, 'Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?'
-
Moglet
- Posts: 3485
- Joined: Mon 25 Jun, 2007 5:43 pm
- Location: The Shire
- Organisation: An Urban Myth
- Interests: I'll let you know if I get my life back.
- Contact:
Judge #3 isn't the only one who couldn't see straight after that lot: I laughed so much that my vision blurred from the tears in my eyes!PictureFramingPro wrote:A Texas Chili Cook-Off...
Brilliantly funny!
(Any whisper of hairballs, Spit, and I'm sending the boys round...
)........Áine JGF SGF FTB
.Briseann an dúchas trí shuiligh an chuit.
.Briseann an dúchas trí shuiligh an chuit.-
osgood
-
Moglet
- Posts: 3485
- Joined: Mon 25 Jun, 2007 5:43 pm
- Location: The Shire
- Organisation: An Urban Myth
- Interests: I'll let you know if I get my life back.
- Contact:
(Bit of a parochial one...)
Paddy dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he is being greeted, he notices a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter.
"What are all the clocks for?" asks Paddy.
"Oh, those are Lie Clocks," says St Peter. "Everyone on earth has a Lie Clock, and each time they tell a lie the hands on the clock move."
Paddy points to a clock covered in cobwebs: "Whose clock is that?"
"That clock belongs to Mother Theresa: the hands have never moved, so we know that in all her time on earth, she never ever told a lie!"
"And whose is that?" says Paddy, pointing to another clock.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's," St. Peter replies, " the hands have moved twice, which tells us that he only told two lies in his entire life."
"Hmmm," says Paddy, "And where's Bertie Aherne's?"
"Oh, God's got that one in his office", says Peter. "He's using it as a fan."
Paddy dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he is being greeted, he notices a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter.
"What are all the clocks for?" asks Paddy.
"Oh, those are Lie Clocks," says St Peter. "Everyone on earth has a Lie Clock, and each time they tell a lie the hands on the clock move."
Paddy points to a clock covered in cobwebs: "Whose clock is that?"
"That clock belongs to Mother Theresa: the hands have never moved, so we know that in all her time on earth, she never ever told a lie!"
"And whose is that?" says Paddy, pointing to another clock.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's," St. Peter replies, " the hands have moved twice, which tells us that he only told two lies in his entire life."
"Hmmm," says Paddy, "And where's Bertie Aherne's?"
"Oh, God's got that one in his office", says Peter. "He's using it as a fan."
........Áine JGF SGF FTB
.Briseann an dúchas trí shuiligh an chuit.
.Briseann an dúchas trí shuiligh an chuit.-
prospero
- Posts: 11674
- Joined: Tue 05 Jun, 2007 4:16 pm
- Location: Lincolnshire
Jane Smith dies and goes up the Heaven.
On arrival, she wonders about her husband.
"Have you got Ted Smith up here?", she asks. "Little chap with a flat cap".
The angel on reception says, "I don't know offhand. But there must be 1000s of Ted Smiths up here. Can you give me a better description?"
"Well not really", says Jane. "He was just a little chap with a flat cap".
"Hmmm Not much to go on", says the angel. "There's Ted Smith the plumber. Is that him?".
"No. He never did any plumbing", says Jane
"Well how about Ted Smith the jockey? He's only little."
"No. He didn't like horses"
"Ted Smith the postman?"
"No. He had a bad leg"
"Dusty Ted Smith the miller".
"No he was allergic to flour".
"Greasy Ted Smith the engineer?"
"No. He wasn't very mechanical".
"Chippy Ted Smith the carpenter?"
"No. He didn't like woodwork".
"Tight Ted Smith the money lender?"
"No. He would never lend anybody anything".
This goes on for some time. Jane gets a bit worried....
"Oh dear", says Jane. I hope he hasn't been sent to the other place. I do miss him. (sob). I just want to check that he is happy. When he was on his deathbed he said he would turn in his grave if I ever let another man touch me after he was gone.
"Oh!", exclaimed the angel.
"You mean Spinning Ted Smith".
On arrival, she wonders about her husband.
"Have you got Ted Smith up here?", she asks. "Little chap with a flat cap".
The angel on reception says, "I don't know offhand. But there must be 1000s of Ted Smiths up here. Can you give me a better description?"
"Well not really", says Jane. "He was just a little chap with a flat cap".
"Hmmm Not much to go on", says the angel. "There's Ted Smith the plumber. Is that him?".
"No. He never did any plumbing", says Jane
"Well how about Ted Smith the jockey? He's only little."
"No. He didn't like horses"
"Ted Smith the postman?"
"No. He had a bad leg"
"Dusty Ted Smith the miller".
"No he was allergic to flour".
"Greasy Ted Smith the engineer?"
"No. He wasn't very mechanical".
"Chippy Ted Smith the carpenter?"
"No. He didn't like woodwork".
"Tight Ted Smith the money lender?"
"No. He would never lend anybody anything".
This goes on for some time. Jane gets a bit worried....
"Oh dear", says Jane. I hope he hasn't been sent to the other place. I do miss him. (sob). I just want to check that he is happy. When he was on his deathbed he said he would turn in his grave if I ever let another man touch me after he was gone.
"Oh!", exclaimed the angel.
"You mean Spinning Ted Smith".
Watch Out. There's A Humphrey About
-
Roboframer
Old bearded guy dies and goes to heaven - he is met by St Peter.
"Sorry old man - but we're chocka - you'll have to hang around in witch-space for a few thousand years - see ya"
"Oh dear", says the old man "I was hoping to see my son, he died some years ago and his name is ......."
"No good" says St Pete "Everyone is re-named once they get here"
"Well, you can't really mistake my son - he has holes in his wrists and holes in his hands and ....."
"Woah" says St Pete "You aren't a carpenter by any chance, are you"
"Why Yes" said the old man
Wel, St Pete dashes away shouting "Big J - big J - it's your old man - Joseph"
Jesus approached the gates - frowned and said "Father?"
The old man squinted and said "Pinocchio?"
"Sorry old man - but we're chocka - you'll have to hang around in witch-space for a few thousand years - see ya"
"Oh dear", says the old man "I was hoping to see my son, he died some years ago and his name is ......."
"No good" says St Pete "Everyone is re-named once they get here"
"Well, you can't really mistake my son - he has holes in his wrists and holes in his hands and ....."
"Woah" says St Pete "You aren't a carpenter by any chance, are you"
"Why Yes" said the old man
Wel, St Pete dashes away shouting "Big J - big J - it's your old man - Joseph"
Jesus approached the gates - frowned and said "Father?"
The old man squinted and said "Pinocchio?"
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prospero
- Posts: 11674
- Joined: Tue 05 Jun, 2007 4:16 pm
- Location: Lincolnshire
A man dies and is cast into Hell.
One of Satan's imps meets him and shows him round.
He leads him past a series of rooms. The first room is full of female naked nubiles.
"Maybe this place is not as bad as it's cracked up to be", he says to the imp.
In the next room there is a man hanging from the ceiling by his testicles.
"Oooo. I don't like the look of that.", he says to the imp.
In the next room there is a big table surrounded by men all with their togers resting on the table. In the middle of the table is a mouse running about.
"This place gets weirder by the second", he thinks.
"What's going on here then", he asks the imp.
"Oh well, it's a little game we like to play.", replies the imp. "The mouse runs about until he stops in front of one of the togers. Whoever's toger it is gets to spend a day in the first room".
"Oh I see", says the man. "But what about the poor bloke in the second room?"
The imp replies, "Oh this may be Hell, but we don't like cheats. He put a piece of cheese on the end of his."
One of Satan's imps meets him and shows him round.
He leads him past a series of rooms. The first room is full of female naked nubiles.
"Maybe this place is not as bad as it's cracked up to be", he says to the imp.
In the next room there is a man hanging from the ceiling by his testicles.
"Oooo. I don't like the look of that.", he says to the imp.
In the next room there is a big table surrounded by men all with their togers resting on the table. In the middle of the table is a mouse running about.
"This place gets weirder by the second", he thinks.
"What's going on here then", he asks the imp.
"Oh well, it's a little game we like to play.", replies the imp. "The mouse runs about until he stops in front of one of the togers. Whoever's toger it is gets to spend a day in the first room".
"Oh I see", says the man. "But what about the poor bloke in the second room?"
The imp replies, "Oh this may be Hell, but we don't like cheats. He put a piece of cheese on the end of his."
Watch Out. There's A Humphrey About