Big cruise ship - maiden voyage - stuffed with celebrities.
Hits a storm blown off course - Oh - thousands of miles - sinks.
One of the pan washers - young guy - comes to, on a tropical beach on a deserted island surrounded with flotsam.
Drags himself out of the water, staggers about looking for life, spots a half clad female form face down in the water - dashes over, rolls her on to her back - her lips are blue and she's ............. she's ......... Cameron Diaz. Surely not - no time now - he's done 1st aid - it's CPR time.
She splutters back in to existence - "Where am I - what happened .... who are you?"
"It's OK - our ship sank - I found you in the water and gave you CPR - my name's John"
"Oooh are you a picture framer from Angmering?"
"Er - no - I worked in the galley on the ship - are you Cameron Diaz?"
(Ah well) "Yes - you saved my life John - I'll do anything for you - anything"
"Well" said John "Seems we are in a bit of a fix, we could use some shelter, and some food"
"You saved my life John" said Cameron "Leave it to me"
Up she leaps and dashes in to the jungle, there's the sound of trees crashing to the ground - hammering - bashing - animals squealing.
Some time later John hears a whistle and heads for it - in a clearing he sees a two storey atap hut - hog on a spit, big tray of fruit .... Cameron Diaz stood, topless beside it all.
"I'll do anything for you John .... ANYTHING"
"Er, well - WOW Cameron - that's impressive" so he tucks in to a fabulous meal.
Half way through it he hears "Coooo-eeeee" from upstairs - up he goes to find Cameron Diaz - totally naked and 'Y' shaped on a four poster bed.
"John - when I said I'd do anything - I meant ANYTHING" and gave a coy wink, that left him in no doubt.
5 seconds later John says "Oh man, that was something else"
"Like I said, John - you saved my life - you get this any time you like"
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway - long story short(er) Lucky John, the panwasher, wakes up every morning to "John - you saved my life - I'll do anything for you"
Eight times a day - twelve on Sundays, this guy is making love to Cameron Diaz - this goes on for 6 months and despite all the usual tricks -like the word H.....E.....L......P scratched in the sand (In very small Hebrew) No-one came.
Then, one glorious tropical morning John woke up to hear the usual "John - you saved my life - take me" stuff and said ...
"Would you really do anything?"
"Yes John - ANYTHING AT ALL"
"Well, would you mind putting on a man's suit I found in a washed up trunk"
"Of course not John - you saved my life - I'd do anything"
So - in to the suit she got.
John tied her beautiful hair back in to a pony tail; produced a trilby and stuffed the pony tail under it, then went to the fire, got a piece of charcoal and drew a moustache over her top lip - added a bit of stubble on her chin.
He lit a cigarette and placed it between her lips and said "Would you mind just standing on the beach there, just in the water, looking out to sea?"
"Of course not John - you saved my li........"
" ...... and would you mind if I called you Nick?"
"Of co ...... er ...... of course not John - you saved my life"
" ... and .... and - when you hear me approaching you from behind, do you think you could fart, or burp?"
"Bugg .... ..... Er ..... er .... No - of course not John - you saved my life"
So - there she is, hands in pockets - cigarette in gob, looking out over a postcard tropical sunset - John saunters over - she gulps and lets out a huge belch.
"Hey ..... NICK!!!" says John "NICK - man - long time no see .... how ya doin' man ......
......hey Nick (nudges Cameron with his elbow) you'll never guess who I'm screwin'!"
Jokes
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Mr Bojangles
- Posts: 96
- Joined: Mon 18 Feb, 2008 7:36 pm
- Location: Chester, Cheshire
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply IN on the Ding and OUT on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if it wasn't for that bleedin ice cream van that came along."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply IN on the Ding and OUT on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if it wasn't for that bleedin ice cream van that came along."
Gary
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Mr Bojangles
- Posts: 96
- Joined: Mon 18 Feb, 2008 7:36 pm
- Location: Chester, Cheshire
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf all with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's behind."
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that".
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf all with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's behind."
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that".
Gary
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Mr Bojangles
- Posts: 96
- Joined: Mon 18 Feb, 2008 7:36 pm
- Location: Chester, Cheshire
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world."
Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot.
So he says that he will wager to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.
Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy Hendrix. The guitar owner pays up.
Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet-owner coughs up.
Then Jim, a Scotsman plunks some bagpipes on the table. The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says: "Play it? I'm going to have sex with it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off
Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot.
So he says that he will wager to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.
Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy Hendrix. The guitar owner pays up.
Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet-owner coughs up.
Then Jim, a Scotsman plunks some bagpipes on the table. The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says: "Play it? I'm going to have sex with it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off
Gary
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Mr Bojangles
- Posts: 96
- Joined: Mon 18 Feb, 2008 7:36 pm
- Location: Chester, Cheshire
Here is a cheesy one but I bet you will all be telling it tomorrow
Two hardened jail-mates meet on the courtyard where all the brothers are playing basketball and lifting weights.
One of the criminals turns to his mate and says, " see those Italians over there? If you stab one of them in the ass you get 2 notches carved onto your metal bed-post." And see those Puerto Ricans hanging about over there playing cards? If you stab one of those guys in the ass you get 4 notches carved into your bed-post."
The other inmate points over to a crowd of guys wearing sombreros and asks, "what do you get when you stab one of those?" His mate replied, "ah! the Mexicans! They´re really good if you can stab one of those guys in the ass - coz they´re bonus-nochas."
Two hardened jail-mates meet on the courtyard where all the brothers are playing basketball and lifting weights.
One of the criminals turns to his mate and says, " see those Italians over there? If you stab one of them in the ass you get 2 notches carved onto your metal bed-post." And see those Puerto Ricans hanging about over there playing cards? If you stab one of those guys in the ass you get 4 notches carved into your bed-post."
The other inmate points over to a crowd of guys wearing sombreros and asks, "what do you get when you stab one of those?" His mate replied, "ah! the Mexicans! They´re really good if you can stab one of those guys in the ass - coz they´re bonus-nochas."
Gary
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Spit
- Posts: 1102
- Joined: Fri 17 Mar, 2006 8:54 pm
- Location: Glandwr
- Organisation: Framing Mad
- Interests: Framing, watercolours & CCFC
- Location: Pembrokeshire
- Contact:
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd
been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into
the
house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people
sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the
truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the
other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it
isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's
mom wants to talk to you."
been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into
the
house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people
sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the
truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the
other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it
isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's
mom wants to talk to you."
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Roboframer
Guy walks in to a bar with a giraffe.
"Pint of bitter for me - quadruple whiskey for my friend"
(Long story short - 10 rounds later the giraffe collapses in a heap on the floor - guy starts to walk out)
Barman says to the guy - 'HEY - you can't leave that lying there'
Guy says 'It's not a lion - it's a giraffe'
"Pint of bitter for me - quadruple whiskey for my friend"
(Long story short - 10 rounds later the giraffe collapses in a heap on the floor - guy starts to walk out)
Barman says to the guy - 'HEY - you can't leave that lying there'
Guy says 'It's not a lion - it's a giraffe'
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Spit
- Posts: 1102
- Joined: Fri 17 Mar, 2006 8:54 pm
- Location: Glandwr
- Organisation: Framing Mad
- Interests: Framing, watercolours & CCFC
- Location: Pembrokeshire
- Contact:
A man walks in a Bank, gets in line and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the Bank! He wants to make sure he leaves no witnesses so he turns around and asks the next customer in line: "Did you see me rob this Bank?" The customer replies, "Yes". The bank robber raises his gun points it at the customer and bang ,shoots him in the head and kills him.
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man calmly responds, "No, I didn't, ... but my wife did!"
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man calmly responds, "No, I didn't, ... but my wife did!"
-
Roboframer
Two friends, a bear and a rabbit, were strolling through the woods ..... now I say 'friends' but they had a strained relationship - one always trying to outdo the other or prove him wrong over some trivial issue - always bickering and sniping.
They entered a clearing in the woods and there, in the centre, lit by a beam of sun, sat a 5ft golden frog.
"Holy ........ " Said the rabbit, "A huge golden frog"
"Idiot - it's a statue" said the bear
"Hello" said the golden frog
"Ha" said the rabbit - "now who's the idiot?"
"I am a magic frog" said the golden frog - "I appear in this spot once every 68 years and grant the first person or people I meet 3 wishes each"
"Oh man" - says the rabbit
"Don't be stupid" said the bear "This is obviously some sort of wind up"
"Well, I'm giving it a whirl" says the rabbit "I wish ..... I wish ...."
"Hang on" says the bear "Why should YOU go first"
"Well - you don't believe it's real - so sod you - I wish that ......"
"I wish all the bears in the woods - bar me - were female" Interrupts the bear
"It is done" said the golden frog
"Yeah - RIGHT" yawns the bear - "Your turn, buck teeth"
"OK" says the rabbit "I wish I had a big shiny red motorbike - just like Kev's"
"It is done" says the golden frog - and BLAM! - a beautiful red 1500cc DucatyamBMhondumphidson motorbike appears next to the rabbit.
"Oh man" says the bear - "OK - my turn - er ..... I'm a bear of very simple needs - I wish all the bears in the COUNTRY - bar me - were female"
"It is done" Says the golden frog
"I think I'm going to cry" said the bear
"My turn" says the rabbit "I wish I had a set of leathers, colour co-ordinated to the bike - helmet too, and an everlasting tank of fuel"
"That's THREE wishes in one - PILLOCK" said the bear
"It is done" said the frog and BLAM! the rabbit finds himself sitting on the bike looking like Carl Foggarty - bar the ears poking out of the custom rabbit helmet. He starts the engine - man what a growl.
"Your final wish?" says the frog to the bear
"Sod it" says the bear "I wish all the bears - (best Jeremy Clarkson impression please) in THE WORLD - bar me - were female"
"It is done" says the golden frog
"Oh man" says the bear "Ooooooooh MAN"
"Your final wish?" says the frog to the rabbit.
The rabbit revs his engine - spins a one eighty - points at the bear and says .....
"I wish HE ..... was gay" VRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!
They entered a clearing in the woods and there, in the centre, lit by a beam of sun, sat a 5ft golden frog.
"Holy ........ " Said the rabbit, "A huge golden frog"
"Idiot - it's a statue" said the bear
"Hello" said the golden frog
"Ha" said the rabbit - "now who's the idiot?"
"I am a magic frog" said the golden frog - "I appear in this spot once every 68 years and grant the first person or people I meet 3 wishes each"
"Oh man" - says the rabbit
"Don't be stupid" said the bear "This is obviously some sort of wind up"
"Well, I'm giving it a whirl" says the rabbit "I wish ..... I wish ...."
"Hang on" says the bear "Why should YOU go first"
"Well - you don't believe it's real - so sod you - I wish that ......"
"I wish all the bears in the woods - bar me - were female" Interrupts the bear
"It is done" said the golden frog
"Yeah - RIGHT" yawns the bear - "Your turn, buck teeth"
"OK" says the rabbit "I wish I had a big shiny red motorbike - just like Kev's"
"It is done" says the golden frog - and BLAM! - a beautiful red 1500cc DucatyamBMhondumphidson motorbike appears next to the rabbit.
"Oh man" says the bear - "OK - my turn - er ..... I'm a bear of very simple needs - I wish all the bears in the COUNTRY - bar me - were female"
"It is done" Says the golden frog
"I think I'm going to cry" said the bear
"My turn" says the rabbit "I wish I had a set of leathers, colour co-ordinated to the bike - helmet too, and an everlasting tank of fuel"
"That's THREE wishes in one - PILLOCK" said the bear
"It is done" said the frog and BLAM! the rabbit finds himself sitting on the bike looking like Carl Foggarty - bar the ears poking out of the custom rabbit helmet. He starts the engine - man what a growl.
"Your final wish?" says the frog to the bear
"Sod it" says the bear "I wish all the bears - (best Jeremy Clarkson impression please) in THE WORLD - bar me - were female"
"It is done" says the golden frog
"Oh man" says the bear "Ooooooooh MAN"
"Your final wish?" says the frog to the rabbit.
The rabbit revs his engine - spins a one eighty - points at the bear and says .....
"I wish HE ..... was gay" VRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!
-
The Crofter
- Posts: 367
- Joined: Wed 03 Oct, 2007 1:37 pm
- Location: Shrewsbury
- Organisation: Sutherland Arts & Crafts
- Interests: Photography
- Location: Shrewsbury
- Contact:
-
Spit
- Posts: 1102
- Joined: Fri 17 Mar, 2006 8:54 pm
- Location: Glandwr
- Organisation: Framing Mad
- Interests: Framing, watercolours & CCFC
- Location: Pembrokeshire
- Contact:
Letter from Oz
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quicksmart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are sugared because we've been on a 'route march' geez it's only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me Brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's easy.
You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the roll bar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quicksmart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are sugared because we've been on a 'route march' geez it's only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me Brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's easy.
You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the roll bar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila
-
Roboframer
-
Mr Bojangles
- Posts: 96
- Joined: Mon 18 Feb, 2008 7:36 pm
- Location: Chester, Cheshire
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
Gary
-
Mr Bojangles
- Posts: 96
- Joined: Mon 18 Feb, 2008 7:36 pm
- Location: Chester, Cheshire
Two women on the way back from a night out. They stop in a graveyard for a toilet break.
One wipes her self with her knickers and the other with a wreath.
The two husbands were in the pub the next day and the first man says, “I’d better watch my wife she came home last night with no knickers”
The other man said “that’s nothing mate, my wife had a card wedged in her bottom saying we’ll never forget you from all the boys at the fire station”
One wipes her self with her knickers and the other with a wreath.
The two husbands were in the pub the next day and the first man says, “I’d better watch my wife she came home last night with no knickers”
The other man said “that’s nothing mate, my wife had a card wedged in her bottom saying we’ll never forget you from all the boys at the fire station”
Gary
A man on his way home from the pub one night takes a shortcut though the graveyard. Halfway though he hears a tapping sound. Goes a bit further and the tapping gets louder.... He starts to get scared but the drink gives him a bit of courage so he tries to find the source of the sounds. he picks his way carefully among the gravestones and all of a sudden he nearly jumps out of his skin when he trips over a little guy with a hammer and chisel. "Bloody Hell!", he exclaims. "What are you doing in this graveyard at this time of night? You scared the life out of me. And what exactly do you mean by defacing that headstone?".
"It's not my fault", says the little guy. "They spelt my name wrong".
Another man (might have been the same man - who knows?) takes a similar shortcut. Being a bit tiddly he looses his footing and stumbles right into a freshly dug grave. The sides are slippery and he can't get out. After a while he sits down and starts shouting for help. No ones comes and it starts to rain heavily......
Another man, even more drunk comes staggering along. He hears the first man's cries.......
"Help! Help! Get me out! I'm wet and cold"
Second man finds the hole and looks in.
"Help! Help! Get me out! I'm wet and cold", repeats the man in the hole.
The second man peers into the grave in disbelief.
"Well no wonder you are wet and cold", he says. "You have kicked all your soil off".
The Vicar is walking to his church for the morning service. On his way he meets old Fred, also walking to the church. "Morning Fred". says the vicar.
"On foot this morning? Where is your bike?".
"Ah Vicar", replies old Fred. "I can't be finding it anywhere. I think some bugger has pinched it".
"Oh dear!", says the Vicar. "How awful for you". Then he thinks a bit and says, "I have an idea. In my sermon I will slip in the 10 Commandments. Look around the church and when I get to 'Thou Shalt not Steal', see if any of the congregation are looking guilty".
"Good idea Vicar", says old Fred. And they go into the church.....
After the service, the Vicar asks old Fred he spotted any likely suspects.
"Ah it's alright Vicar", says old Fred with a sly grin. "It wasn't stolen after all. When you got to 'Thou Shalt not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left it".
"It's not my fault", says the little guy. "They spelt my name wrong".
Another man (might have been the same man - who knows?) takes a similar shortcut. Being a bit tiddly he looses his footing and stumbles right into a freshly dug grave. The sides are slippery and he can't get out. After a while he sits down and starts shouting for help. No ones comes and it starts to rain heavily......
Another man, even more drunk comes staggering along. He hears the first man's cries.......
"Help! Help! Get me out! I'm wet and cold"
Second man finds the hole and looks in.
"Help! Help! Get me out! I'm wet and cold", repeats the man in the hole.
The second man peers into the grave in disbelief.
"Well no wonder you are wet and cold", he says. "You have kicked all your soil off".
The Vicar is walking to his church for the morning service. On his way he meets old Fred, also walking to the church. "Morning Fred". says the vicar.
"On foot this morning? Where is your bike?".
"Ah Vicar", replies old Fred. "I can't be finding it anywhere. I think some bugger has pinched it".
"Oh dear!", says the Vicar. "How awful for you". Then he thinks a bit and says, "I have an idea. In my sermon I will slip in the 10 Commandments. Look around the church and when I get to 'Thou Shalt not Steal', see if any of the congregation are looking guilty".
"Good idea Vicar", says old Fred. And they go into the church.....
After the service, the Vicar asks old Fred he spotted any likely suspects.
"Ah it's alright Vicar", says old Fred with a sly grin. "It wasn't stolen after all. When you got to 'Thou Shalt not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left it".