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Ok, so its Friday afternoon and we are all winding down for the weekend. And I thought I would share with you the best joke I have heard all week…
A man walks into a bar and sees Vincent Van Gogh sitting in the corner. He goes over and asks if he would like a drink.
No thanks says Vincent I’ve got one ‘ere.
Alternative ending:- Nee bedankt, zegt Vincent Ik heb een oor
(probably not as funny in Dutch)
A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Interested he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies,"Uh - yes I've had quite a few enquiries about this job. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of £45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to travel to Oxford."
Guy wakes up one morning and looks out the window. At the top of a tree at the end of his garden there is a gorilla. He rings the local zoo and yes, they have a gorilla missing. They say they will send a man round......
Man from the zoo arrives. He is carrying a net and a shotgun and has big ferocious dog with him.
"Right", says the zoo man, "This is the plan...." "You hold the gun and I will climb up the tree and shake the gorilla out". "This dog is specially trained to bite onto the goolies and not let go". "This should distract the gorilla long enough for me to get the net over him".
"Ok", says the man. "But what is the gun for?"
"You keep tight hold of it", says the zoo man. "And if I should happen to fall out the tree, for God's sake shoot the dog".
Bunch of cowboys in the saloon looking for work. The local rancher says, "All my boys have gotta be tough". "If ya wanna work for me you gotta pass the test".
"OK", says one cowboy. "I'll have a go". "What's the test?"
"Well", says the rancher, "First you have to drink a bottle of redeye in one go, then seduce the sherriff's daughter and after that go out into the woods and kill a grizzly bear with your bare hands".
"I can do that", says the cowboy. And with that he grabs a bottle of whisky, drinks it dry and staggers out the door.....
Four hours later he staggers back in the saloon. He is covered in blood and his clothes are in tatters.
"Right!", he gasps. "Where's this sheriff's daughter I gotta kill"
Aberdonian woman goes into newspaper office. Says to the girl behind the counter. " I want to put an announcement in the paper to let people know my husband has died" The girl says " What would you like to say?" " Peter Anderson died" comes the reply. "I'm not made of money" The girl behind the counter says" You can have up to 6 words free. Wouldn't you like to add a bit more." "OK" says the woman "Peter Anderson died. Volvo for sale"
There's this guy ............ who goes for a job at the circus.
"What can you do?" asks the circus owner
The guy pulls out a 4 lb hammer and says "Whack me on the head with this - hard as you can"
"Don't be stupid" says the circus owner "It would probably killl you"
The guy winks and says - "Look - trust me - just do it, please"
So the circus owner, thinking it must be some sort of trick hammer, or that the guy will disappear somehow just before contact - raises the hammer and WHACK!! - smacks him on the head.
The guy collapses in a heap, the circus owner waits a few seconds, sure he will spring up or something, but he doesn't.
Blood starts coming out of his ears and he starts convulsing.
The circus owner drops the hammer, runs into the office in a panic and dials 999 ....
The guy is rushed away and the circus owner follows, ........ pacing up and down outside the operating theatre.
The surgeon comes out "How is he?" asks the circus owner
"Not good", said the doctor, "He's in a coma, all we can do is wait"
The owner is distraught, how stupid could he have been. He cancelled the evening's show. The next day, no improvement, so he cancelled the week's shows.
He would visit the hostpital twice a day, spending 4 hours at a time, just sitting by the guy's bed, watching.
Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, the owner hit the bottle, sold the circus and lived in his van in the hospital car park.
His wife left him and he had to go on the streets begging to get money for the drink ...... and a drug habit he had developed.
His personal hygiene was non-existent, he had gone from a thriving circus owner to a gibbering pitiful wreck.
Then one day, 9 months after the horrible event; sitting at the guy's bedside, the stinking, twitching, muttering hobo of an ex circus owner thought he saw a finger flicker, he blinked his bloodshot eyes and sure enough, saw it again.
"Oh Dear God" he said, through his cracked lips "Thank you" and a tear trickled into his filthy matted beard.
Then the guy's left eye fluttered open and blinked twice slowly, the eye focused on the ex circus owner, one corner of his mouth opened and he muttered, almost indistinguishably........
or 
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